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PostSubject: English jokes!   Fri Dec 14, 2007 4:37 pm

What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

What do they call a woman who works as hard as a man? Answer: "Lazy."


Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."


Last edited by on Fri Dec 14, 2007 4:38 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: English jokes!   Fri Dec 14, 2007 4:38 pm

What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
A whine and cheese party
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PostSubject: Re: English jokes!   Fri Dec 14, 2007 4:41 pm

The Top 10 reasons why a handgun is better than a woman



#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.


#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for
when you're on the road.


#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he
will probably let you try it out a few times.


#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a
backup.


#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of
ammo.


#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.


#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.


#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look
fat?"


#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you
use it.


AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A
WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
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PostSubject: Re: English jokes!   Fri Dec 14, 2007 4:42 pm

Why is it called PMS? -- Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken
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PostSubject: Re: English jokes!   Fri Dec 14, 2007 4:42 pm

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
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PostSubject: Re: English jokes!   Fri Dec 14, 2007 4:42 pm

A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. the doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it. the woman replied, snorting pepper.
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PostSubject: Re: English jokes!   Fri Dec 14, 2007 4:43 pm

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
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PostSubject: Re: English jokes!   Fri Dec 14, 2007 4:44 pm

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life
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PostSubject: Re: English jokes!   Fri Dec 14, 2007 4:44 pm

I have a frog in the back

A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog."

"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."

The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be
bothered by her husband that night.

She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks.

"What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"
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PostSubject: Understanding a Woman   Fri Dec 14, 2007 4:47 pm

We need REALLY MEANS I want

You want REALLY MEANS You need

It's your decision REALLY MEANS The correct decision should be obvious by now.

We need to talk REALLY MEANS I need to complain

Do what you want REALLY MEANS You'll pay for this later.

You're ... so manly REALLY MEANS You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

Sure... go ahead REALLY MEANS I don't want you to.

I'm not upset REALLY MEANS Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're certainly attentive tonight. REALLY MEANS Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! REALLY MEANS I'm on my period.

Be romantic, turn out the lights. REALLY MEANS I'm Embarrassed

This kitchen is so inconvenient REALLY MEANS I want a new house.

You have to learn to communicate. REALLY MEANS Just agree with me.

Yes REALLY MEANS No

No REALLY MEANS No

Maybe REALLY MEANS No

I heard a noise REALLY MEANS I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? REALLY MEANS I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? REALLY MEANS I did something you're not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute. REALLY MEANS Be patient I'll be a while.

Am I a little fat? REALLY MEANS Tell me I'm beautiful.

I'm sorry. REALLY MEANS You'll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe? REALLY MEANS It's easy to fix, so get used to it.

Was that the baby? REALLY MEANS Why don't you wake up and deal with the baby.

I'm not yelling! REALLY MEANS Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.


All we're going to buy is a soap dish REALLY MEANS Major shopping trip. Did you bring your checkbook?
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PostSubject: You are so poor   Fri Dec 14, 2007 4:53 pm

You are so poor you eat cereal with forks to save milk!

You are so poor your face is on the cover of a food stamp!

You are so poor when I walked in your front door a mouse tripped me and a cockroach stole my wallet!

You are so poor I walked in your house and asked to use the
bathroom and you told me to pick a corner!

You are so poor that you use dental floss as toilet paper!

You're so poor that yesterday I saw your mother moving a trashcan from one street to another. I asked what was she doing and she said, ''I am moving it's too noisy over there!
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PostSubject: Re: English jokes!   Fri Dec 14, 2007 4:54 pm

If I gave a shit you'd be the first person that I'd give it to.
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PostSubject: Re: English jokes!   Fri Dec 14, 2007 4:55 pm

Were you born with a sorry note from Durex or something??
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PostSubject: Re: English jokes!   Fri Dec 14, 2007 4:56 pm

Your house is so small, when I put the key in the door, I stabbed everyone inside!
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PostSubject: Old man and a Punk   Fri Dec 14, 2007 4:58 pm

A young punk gets on the cross-town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man.

The young punk has spiked, multi-colored, green, purple and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.

The old man glares at the young punk for the next ten miles, as the bus travels across the city.

Finally the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot....I thought you might be my son."
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PostSubject: Why Studying Is Better Than Sex   Fri Dec 14, 2007 5:01 pm

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.

9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.

8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.

7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.

6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.

5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."

4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.

3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.

2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.

1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.
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